All the voices...

If you’re anything like me, you have several voices in your head telling you what to do. (I may just have admitted that I should be admitted.)

I have voices in my head like this:

“Don’t compliment your child too much or they will be vain.”

“Make sure you require first-time obedience.”

“You shouldn’t be making any money.”

“You shouldn’t let your kids watch that movie.”

“You should be good at cleaning by now.”

“You should always be submissive to your husband without any argument.”

There is a long line of voices, and some are good and some aren’t, but the point is, none of them really matter. There is only One voice that matters, and that is the one that needs to be listened to.

I need to listen to that voice even when others think I’m wrong.

I need to listen to that voice even when it’s easier to take someone else’s opinion.

I even need to listen to that voice when that voice points to how He made me…I need to listen to my gut sometimes (maybe that is the Holy Spirit).

If I want to compliment my kiddos day and night and tell them they are “good” and “important” and “beautiful” then I’m going to do that. If I know that God is doing something in my life even when others don’t understand, I’m going to say, “Okay God, I trust you with this so I’m going to dance it out as you lead.” Etc., etc.

It is so freeing to hone in on my Father’s voice and push out the others. It’s not easy (there are so many voices), but I’m learning how to distinguish His (and it certainly helps if I’m staying in the Word everyday –one of my goals).

If you have many voices telling you how to act, what to do (or not do), might I encourage you to ask God to teach you to hear His voice? Listen to Him, He will guide gently, and He isn’t in a box (so don’t assume). Approach His throne of grace, and push back all others.

If you know Him, you have His spirit. Listen.
“My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.” John 10:27

By S. Mae

My Mission Statement

For the past several months (6 to 8 months) I've been on a transformation journey to become the Guardian of the Home - of my home.

 Diane, my Pastor's wife gave this "title" to my sister when she moved to Florida and was having some time adjusting to the change.

After thinking and thinking about it I realized that I wanted to become the Guardian of my Home, hey why couldn't I?

In order to take this journey I had to pause some things - including my blogging, crafting, etc.

I had to start my taking care of my house... first part was the organization of my home. When you think of it, everything is tied to organization. If we are the Home Makers - we need to be organized so our home can run smoothly.

For YEARS I've been blaming my "messiness" on my mom... I guess its easy to pass the blame on someone else. Why my mom - hmmm maybe I was rebelling because she took such great care of her home. She was a true Guardian of Apartment 2K. She always made sure that her apartment, her home was clean, organized and well taken care of.  A time came that my mom didn't work outside of the home, but she sure did inside the home.  She took care of several children full time, and a hand full after school. So it wasn't like she was sitting at home eating bon bons. She helped us with our homework and dinner was always on the table and the list goes on and on.

The more I prayed about it and looked deep into those secret places of my "issue" I realized that my "messiness" was not due to me being "rebellious" but rather me being lazy. Oh my, yes I said it... my laziness!!!! I just didn't want to, moving stuff around was simple enough. I preferred to watch tv, be on the computer, or look away.  Ahhhhhh. No more excuses. It was time for change. Change is hard, but it was something we all had to do.

When did this happen, how did it happen??? Well those questions no longer mattered. It was affecting my life and the lives of my husband and children negatively, and I needed to acknowledge how bad it really was in order to make changes.

My messiness has nothing to do with having a dirty house. My house is pretty much clean... the problem is STUFF... much of my stuff is homeless, my stuffs are gypsies - they travel from corner to corner, room to room. Why??? I don't know... and this "stuff" made me suffer from DPD - (Doorbell Panic Disorder).

So I started thinking why do I want a clean home... I came up with three basic points:
I love having people over – to hangout, for coffee, Bible study, etc. and so hospitality is a huge reason why I like to have my home clean.

I also felt that health (hygiene) was another important reason. I don’t want bugs! Haven't had them and don't want them. I love it when my kitchen is clean and sparkling, and I really like the bathroom to be CLEAN!  Those rooms are like the jewel to a home.  With three little ones the bathroom is not always and it can make me insane! I don't want to have to run into the bathroom when guests come by and do a speedy check!!!

Its sooo easy to justify it - many people have said: You work, you have three young kids, you do ministry, etc., etc. - and for some time I was like "Yeah, my home can be like this because of all these reasons"... but then the word Stewardship came to mind (which means: the conducting, supervising, or managing of something; especially : the careful and responsible management of something entrusted to one's care).  Ouch!!!

You see - we didn't get this house, we had nothing to do with it. I remember we saw it and we were excited about it and before we even went in to see it, my husband and I sat across the street in our car and we prayed for this house. God gave us this house... and He wants it to be taken care of, He wants us to use it for His honor and glory. Therefore that means that I have to take care of it and teach my children to take care of it... keeping it clean, picking things up, putting things away, etc.

And then finally happiness. It makes me happy to walk in the house and have it be clean – or rather tidy! I know it’s not always dusted and the baseboards are not always clean, but tidy…tidy is the goal.  Its a tremendous feeling coming home and seeing how wonderful it looks!!! It not perfect but I'm really enjoying the change.  I want to walk into a room and literally be able to WALK in the room. LOL I have a place for everything and having everything in its place makes me happy.  And when mom is happy... everyone seems happier!!!

I haven't reached my journey, but its looking good... I'm happy, my children are picking up on it. So now I begin to improve on the changes, take it up another level... I'm excited!!!

Hola!!!

I'm back!!!

Wow its been a while since I've had the opportunity to share with you - but there's been alot of stuff going on in my life, alot of lessons being learned and relearned.

Some lessons I breezed through and passed with flying colors - high five God!!  Woop Woop and others - I can just see Him looking down at me shaking His head wondering why I'm still not getting it.

But in the midst of these lessons I've been able to discover and learned alot about myself... I've changed a few things and am realizing many things that I still must change.

I have always said that my life verse is Psalm 37:4 - Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. If I am to be honest, there was a time that I stopped delighting myself in Him.  I went through the "motions" but with no real joy or delight.   I need to go back to delighting myself in Him.  A very very special and wise woman has shared with me that God is not interested in how busy we are but in who we are becoming.  Who am I becoming??

After thinking and thinking and praying on this - it hit me deep.  In my busyness I have let many things fall through the cracks - so its time to change some things - and I'm excited, I'm excited to be able to turn the page and start a new chapter and share this journey with you.

Finding my delight in Him
xoxoxo

My Pain...

I can remember when it started... I was 12 or 13 - but I do remember clearly the day... it was a Saturday... it was a beautiful day, the sun was out, the trees were green... and the sky was blue...

It started out like a headache...  a little discomfort... nothing crazy... and then little by little it just got worse.

My first migraine experience.

I still remember the little Bayer bottle... it was clear with its yellow label and its cotton ball inside.  My mom gave me two aspirins and told me to go and lie down and it did nothing.  How I wish I could have taken the whole bottle to kill the pain.

Years later I sit here...  feeling the throbbing pain on the left side of my head.  I don't know which direction the piecing pain is coming from.  It feels like a long needle being inserted either into my eyeball and exiting the lower back of my next or maybe its coming in the other way around...  either way I've always wondered if I were to pull my eyeball out, would that stop the pain.

This "episode" isn't too bad.  I have been able to function these past couple of days.

Its funny how one can sometimes feel "it" coming on....
my breathing will change...
the sensation in my arms and fingers change...
my mouth gets dry...
and little by little
sound bothers me
light bothers me
smells bother me
and when it gets bad... each strand of my hair begins to hurt and my own breathing bothers me

They say going into a quiet room with the lights off helps... and this is true sometimes...
but then you are left alone with this pain.
I try to control my breathing
I try to relax each and every single muscle of my body
I pray
I try and get comfortable
I rub my head, my neck...
and maybe the peace of sleep comes and takes me away for a little while

But what hurts me the worse... is that when I am hurting...  I feel that I hurt my children by not being there.  I send them away to play...  or to be ultra quiet...  I end up getting upset at the slightest things... but how does one explain this excruciating pain to a child without frightening them.  They try so hard to help... especially my oldest, who will do anything to make me feel better...  my precious one.

And then I pray that if it means having to endure this pain tenfold in order to protect my kids from it - let it be.   When I hear one of them say they have a headache - it sends shockwaves through my body...

I thank God for my husband... who sometimes doesn't quiet understand what is going on... but he tries and he tries so hard... to help more with the kids, to give me the space that I need, does anything to make me comfortable, he loves me so.

I don't know if this will ever go away.  I've been to so many doctors and had so many tests done.  I've tried so many different medications... and the pain is still there.  Anything can set it off, hormones, stress, the temperature, the day, life...

Maybe just another day or two or three and the pain will be no more... at least for a while... until it comes to visit me again.

Que Pasa with these girls???

Today while driving to work I spotted two young girls - maybe 16 years old walking to school dressed provocatively and smoking.

I had to looked several times to make sure that I saw what I saw... now it was not just the way they were dressed but the fact that they were smoking!!

Did these parents know that their young daughters are smoking!!???!!!  Don't these girls have any fear of being caught??!!??  Don't they know the health risks???  How did they get it?   People wonder what is happening with the youth.  They want to blame it on the schools, teachers, friends, society, etc... but no parent wants to take the blame for anything that happens to their kids. Children no long fear their parents but parents are scared of their children!!

Gosh I really think that with each year that passes by I'm starting to sound like my mom lol!!!  When I was young she let me be sort of fashionable... but it was stuff that she approved.  From tops, to jeans, to sneakers to shoes.  Even when it came to makeup she was tough on that... I remember when I was in the 8th grade and I "stole" one of her eyebrow pencils... LOL - the memory still cracks me up... I almost took out an eye trying to apply that stuff...  it didn't go on smoothly at all LOL... and then to try and remove it before I got home so she wouldn't notice - I realized it was way to much work for a little bit of eyeliner... Oh the consequences!!!  But everything was in stages... there was a time for everything... heels, makeup, hair, etc...  I don't think I was ever "deprived".  

My dad was a smoker and a drinker... but he made it very clear that it was not for us...  Yeah maybe a little hypocritical... but it was made clear that we were not to pick up a cigarette or a drink. 

My daughter is 10 and she is growing up quickly, its scary...  she knows that smoking is not even a consideration, nor is drinking. We talk about it with every opportunity I see present itself.  Even though she wants to be very very fashionable - I hold those reigns tight...  And constantly remind her that even though it might appear cute and she would love to do it, we both have to remember that she is only - yes only 10, not 12, or 14...   All this didn't just happen yesterday, but many many years ago...  I have been teaching her that her body is a temple of the Holy Spirit... she is a princess - God's princess... therefore she has to act, dress and behave a certain way and these are non negotiable and she knows it.  Sometimes its hard for her to understand and she gets upset but I keep explaining it over and over to her again... If I give in now at 10... in a year from now how can I pull back?  I know this might all change and each year will bring its challenges... but at least she is aware that actions will have consequences - in love of course...

Today's Hug

22 years ago I gave birth to this is tiny little boy... in May he'll turn 23... He was this skinny little baby.  My mom swore he was the ugliest baby she had ever seen.  

Today while I was helping out in the kitchen at church - he came over to show me something... I couldn't step away but I'm glad I didn't...  because at that moment I hugged him and he wrapped his arms around me and I was enveloped in him.  It was when I realized that my baby - was taller than I was and had arms that went all around me (and mind you I'm not a skinny person)...

He is not shy of hugging his mom and has done so often...  but tonight I sit here and think back on that hug.  He is probably sleeping now or watching some basketball game... but he doesn't know how much that hug meant to me. With all our ups and downs, all those nutty moments, the tough ones, funny ones, painful ones... my son hugged me today and today my heart melted, it was priceless and how I longed to have bottled it up... 

I am reminded of my favorite book that I would read to time ever since I was pregnant with him... "Love You Forever".  I still have the book... its starting to fall apart... but there is one song that she sings to her baby boy:

I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always,
As long as I’m living
My baby you’ll be

Its funny how a hug melts right through us and reaches our heart...

Coloring

This weekend as we rushed through K-Mart we decided to pick up coloring books for the kids... Elizabeth and Priscilla chose Barbie themed and Caleb of course went for the superheros...

We got home and I didn't know how enjoyable it would be seeing them color so intensely... the effort and the concentration that went into it. It bought back so many memories of my sister Elizabeth...  Elizabeth is my stepsister... my dad's daughter...  I have always looked up to her.  She was tall and skinny and beautiful.  She had this great big smile and had beautiful dark hair and wore those Farrah Fawcett type heels.  She didn't live with us but would come and visit from time to time.

One of my fondest memories with her was coloring. Her secret was pressing down hard on the lines and then with the same color of crayon, color softly on the inside...  I would oooh and ahhhh as she would color... and then try and imitate her.  And then to finish her masterpiece, she would put her signature on her page - and she had the prettiest script...

Yesterday Priscilla invited me to color one of the pages in her book... she of course chose the colors because she is an expert in Barbie Princesses... and as I colored and followed the instructions given to me - I thought back to my sister... something as simple as coloring can leave the most beautiful memories that bring a smile to our face and that we cherish forever...

My sister taught me many things that I hold dear to my heart... to appreciate coloring was one of them...