A couple on months ago I started a new devotional, New Morning Mercies by Paul Tripp. I was excited to finally start on January 1, from the beginning and in this devotional, this sentence: “It is the fight that God wages on our behalf to help us remember that life is simply not about us. It is about God, his plans, his kingdom, and his glory.” that really summed up what I struggled with last year. I knew that everything is about Him and his plans… but knowing it and truly believing it are two different things.
January started with a routine mammogram and after some further tests, I had to have a biopsy done in February - thankfully everything came out okay, just things that I needed to keep an eye on and make an appointment for 6 months. Shortly after that, on March 4th I developed another health issue that was full of very difficult moments, many tests and doctor appointments. Instead of making an appointment for my mammogram, I was now preparing for a hysterectomy in October. I sit here writing this and the emotions well up. I have healed well, but I still recovering and dealing with issues that have come with this surgery.
The year was an emotional, physical, and spiritual struggle. I just wanted to give up and curl up into a ball and hide, oh but my Lord, my Sustainer, He would restore me time and time again. I would go to Him like a child and in my weakness cry out to Him. My Jehovah Rapha, my Healer, my Great Physician. My faith grew deeper and I learned to trust the Lord’s faithfulness, though I didn’t understand, I believed and trusted and waited on Him.
My husband and children, they took this journey with me and it was not an easy one for them at all. There were moments that it was so very difficult for them to understand what was happening to me - the doctors couldn’t figure it out and I couldn’t make sense of it myself… With each passing month, this “thing” was changing me, I would see myself in the mirror, but it was like if someone else was looking back at me, there were days I had no strength to even pretend to be me… My darling husband, after all these years, I was once again able to discover why God blessed me with a husband with his temperament, his strength and steadiness did not falter… he was by my side encouraging me and loving me. My daughter Elizabeth left me in awe… the Lord gave her a strength that was unexplainable. She would ask to take off from school to take me to the doctor or accompany Ray. She went with me and was acting like a mini-me… making sure that I was comfortable, that I had what I needed, asking questions, in control and in command… Caleb and Priscilla loved on me and cuddled me up… even when I was ugly and would get upset and snap at them, they were patient. There were nights I cried to the Lord that He would help them realize what was happening to me because I didn’t have the words to express it to them.
It was a small circle that knew all the details of what was going on… but God was sooo good to me, He provided a sister in Christ who I was able to be real with and she understood because she has been through the same thing… another sister in Christ, who made me various health juices every couple of days and a special one weekly to keep my iron up… There were brothers and sisters that just shared a word of encouragement without even knowing how desperately I need to hear those words or that look that penetrated my heart… or those hugs that many times would put back together those pieces of me that I felt were breaking apart.
The days seemed cloudy, dark and gray… they weren’t necessarily bad days, just not great days… there were days when the sun shone through the clouds and I would inhale and take advantage of the moments until the winds would come and bring the clouds back and once again, I would wait patiently for the sun to return once again. It was such a struggle to enjoy those awesome moments, it was a difficult season. But those moments were not in vain, I was able to learn so very much about being intentional, to love others, not just with mere words.
My situation was not one that was visible, there were many days I would put on my red lipstick, puff up my hair and walk in my red heels as if nothing was wrong with me, no one would know the mess that had just transpired 15 minutes ago, or I would downplay how I was really feeling. It made me think of -how many people are we surrounded by that are in a difficult and cloudy season? We rush by them and the words “how are you doing” tumble out of our mouths without even missing a beat, not even slowing down for an answer… and because we have become so accustomed to this, we are able to muster the words “doing good” with a smile while holding back the tears.
In 2019 let’s take the time to slow down… to stop and to pray that God may open our eyes and hearts and enable us to see beyond the exterior. No longer just to rush by someone and mumble some words because it’s the right thing to say.
We can have so many excuses, not feel adequate, not know what to say, but sometimes it’s just being present, someone who will listen, just listen, who will sit there and let the tears flow and offer a tissue, share a heartfelt hug, or as my Pastor’s wife would say - don’t say I’ll pray for you, pray at that moment, or maybe just send a card.
My journey is not over, still dealing with some difficult things, this week I’ll have to set up some more doctor appointments. The Bible talks a lot about running the race (I laugh because right now I don’t think I can run) but I’ll hobble, crawl, roll, whatever, but I’ll continue in the race and as I continue through this race in 2019, I will pay attention to those detours God will have for me and remember to be intentional with the people He puts before me. You see there isn’t a time limit, it’s not a competition, all that is asked of us is to lay aside anything that will hinder us, to keep our eyes on Jesus, to persevere in the faith, not to run aimlessly, to press on, with endurance, forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead… and what lies ahead is oh so glorious.
