What is behind me is not important...

Carlos Bermudez...A brother in Christ... 
Now at home with his heavenly Father.

I remember Carlos as this tall man (at least taller than me) - with a dark complexion, dark hair and a thick mustache and... 
a smile that made you wonder - why is he smiling like that???


When Carlos and Berta would come to church - you couldn't miss him... he carried himself in such a way - he had this presence about him...

There was just something about Carlos... what was up with this man!!! You just wanted to meet him!!!

What was up with Carlos - was His love for Jesus!!! 

His love for Jesus was so evident, so strong - that it carried him... his love for his Savior came out of his pores... 

There was a joy about him - that even in his sickness - you felt... 

You see his joy was not based on his circumstances but on his relationship with his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

After a long and eventually very painful battle with cancer - Carlos passed away peacefully surrounded by many who loved him.

He felt that whether he lived or died... he was a winner either way - because it was all about Jesus.

I remember the night when I received the text from Berta indicating that the doctors believed he would pass away that evening... 

I knew Carlos was going to pass away - part of me couldn't make sense out of it or wrap my head around that thought.  I don't know... I was holding on to a miracle - that one day I would see him walking into church with his big smile.

His wife Berta... goodness what a woman if only you could have the opportunity to listen to her share her heart , what a blessing. I would love it if she could visit me each day and share with me... I have been so so incredibly blessed by her.  During her visits I tried to minister to her, but goodness it was just the other way around!!  Wow... what a blessing.  In hearing her share about Carlos, I pray that I can love my husband the way she loved Carlos. Through the good and the bad, through health and sickness - she was by his side - his rock. It was something special...

We are now in the process of planning Carlos' memorial service... 

A Celebration of Life

We have been talking, texting, and she has passed by my office a couple of times to share and to plan.

I am just in awe of the strength she has... but again - it is the strength that can only come from God.

When she came to visit me after her husbands death... the first thing I noticed was the necklace around her neck... from the necklace was a wedding band... his wedding band... I don't know why it captured my eye, but I was captivated by it - I just couldn't stop looking at it... I felt as if she was holding a piece of him near to her heart - the sign of the commitment they made to each other - til death do us part - something intimate.

As she sat and spoke to me about his life and death - without realizing it she would hold on to his ring and twirl it around her fingers... the security she needed, the strength she needed, to be able to continue sharing about the tremendous blessing that he was to her and to so many who crossed his path.

Yesterday Berta came by again to finalize the details of this celebration... and the ring was still there close to her heart. And as we planned out the details of his memorial service - with a smile on her face - she rubbed the ring... and would clasp it in her hand - as if holding his hand, a little reassurance that it was going to be okay... that he was still there, in her heart.

So many lessons learned - but I leave you with one that Berta shared with me regarding one of Carlos' all time favorite movies - its called "Gumball Rally" - and this scene was one of his favorites that Carlos quoted - the scene is called "the first rule of an Italian driver:

Carlos will be missed - but his legacy will live on forever... praising God for his life...

Thank you Lord for giving me and so many the opportunity to be blessed by Carlos Bermudez.

The Screams...

I stuck my head out the window and screamed "please help me... call the police, someone call the police"... he grabbed me up by the hair and flung me across the living room. I remember screaming and hoping someone would save me - was this the night he would kill me.

I was doing some paperwork at work this morning... and I hear screaming coming from outside... and my heart stops - and my thoughts start racing. Was this a child? Did someone get hurt? The screams come again... and I look out my window and it was a guy struggling with a girl. Was he trying to rob her? Was he trying to hurt her? I opened up my window and shouted to them that I was going to call the cops... he stopped for a couple of minutes and then the struggle started up again... I just shouted stop stop!!! I'm calling the cops!!! He looked my way and jumped in his car and raced off... 

I just stood there looking out the window and I saw the girl putting herself together and begin walking down the street...

I took a deep breath and rushed out to catch up to her... I wanted to make sure she was okay.

Another lady also caught up to her. Should I turn back? Someone was already there... but her eyes... there was something in her eyes... I asked her if she wanted to come inside and sit for a while... and she nodded her head.

I took her inside the church and pulled out a chair for her. She was sobbing... and I could feel her pain. She started to make some phone calls and I walked away. All I could do was pray because I knew what I was going to have to face and its a place I don't like revisiting.

When I heard her say goodbye, I went back into the conference room and I pulled a chair and sat next to her. I asked her if she was okay and she said no... the tears just kept coming... I asked her what happened... and she shared her story of pain and abuse by her boyfriend. She told me she was 10 weeks pregnant... Oh the pain coming from her...

She looked at me and saw my tears and she apologized for messing up my day and taking me away from my schedule. I shared with her that she didn't need to apologize - my heart hurt for her because many many years ago I was in her position. I told her how I recognized her screams - because those were once my screams...

We sat there for a while and I heard her life story... and then I was able to share my life story, my days of abuse and pain and fear, the days that I prayed for my death and when that wasn't enough, I pleaded God for his death...

I shared how God saved me... I shared Hope, Love and Jesus... I shared about my son who is now 23... and a new reason for living... I shared how I was now a new creation as it says in 2 Corinthians 5:17 - Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come... I shared how the Lord blessed me with an incredible husband who loves me and cherishes me... I shared how God did not create her to be hurt and abused... but to be loved. The tears then began to flow again...

Her ride showed up - I asked if I could hug her and she said yes... and we stood there as I silently prayed for her...

I invited her to church on Sunday - I told her to ask for me... she looked at me kinda weird... I laughed at her and told her I work here plus I'm a little nutty so people know who I am - she laughed and said that she was going to try and come... she asked that I pray for her - for strength to escape... and she hugged me again and then ran off...

God orchestrated this whole meeting... her friend which was 5 minutes away got lost and showed up almost 20 minutes later...

As I waved at her and walked back to my office - I remembered those screams...

One can forgive the abuser... but one never forgets the abuse... 

The scars heal... but they always stay tender...

The memories slowly creep back up to the forefront of your mind and heart...

But then He whispers into your heart and reminds you that you are loved, that its okay... and then I am reminded of 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 - “Praise be to the God and Father of Our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”