Day 3 - Let the healing begin

So when there is a death there is something known as the Grief Cycle...

You're in shock, then there is denial, you may be angry / you bargain, there is resignation, and then acceptance.

One thing that Nina did reassure me of what that even though this dream / illusion had died I was not a failure, I was not letting God down.

You may be asking at this point - what am I talking about? What died? What is going on?

I would just prefer not to get into specifics - the specifics are not important.

What is important is to fully understand that none of us are perfect. I am sure in one time of our lives or another we have had a dream that we have held onto... hoping, praying that the person, the situation, life would change. We keep trying to change ourselves, the situation, our feelings... but nothing... only to go right back to square one. But I've been through this cycle several times that once again I find myself at the stage of denial... I truly can't believe this is happening.... WHY??? I should have... and the countless questions I drive myself crazy with.

Life is not easy... its okay to have a dream die but what is important is to move on... and begin again with a new dream and not wallow in regret or self pity but to look upward to let God heal our hearts and hope once again.

We need too remind ourselves like David did that Hope is Real. It comes from God.

"But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you." Psalm 39:7

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." Psalm 42:11

"Show me the path where I should walk, O LORD; point out the right road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you." Psalm 25:4-5

"No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame," Psalm 25:3

"But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love," Psalm 33:18

"Remember your promise to me, for it is my only hope." Psalm 119:49

I need to trust God. What does God say about who you are and what His will is for your life? Don't go by your feelings. Instead we should remind ourselves that God only has plans for us that are good. Jeremiah helps us remember what God has to say about us. "For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

Day 2 - Death of a Dream

Have you ever had a dream? A dream that you fought for? A dream that you just held on to?

I did.

Its a painful realization... but one that I must come to accept. Not all dreams come true.

For years I have prayed... and questioned what am I doing wrong? But as the tears fell, there was no answer. As hard as it was to accept, this was a dream, possibly even an illusion that I had made up in my heart...

I consider myself to be a hopeful person. I like to put things in a way that there is never a need to give up... always trying, always another chance but there are times when what I had played out in my head as the perfect dream doesn't happen.

Last week I was feeling very very lonely... sad, hurt... which is odd - I have a husband who loves me and is always there and four wonderful kids who never miss a step lol... but I just had this overwhelming sense of feeling alone - I realized that the reason I was feeling this way was because I was mourning of the death of my dream. My friend Nina helped me to understand that its okay to feel this way and that I wasn't nutty for feeling what I was... But she also helped me realize that when there is a death - there is a process, a cycle we must face.

So now I must take that step toward the healing process.

Day 1 of a New Start

As a believer of Jesus Christ I don't believe in lent. I took this quote from John MacArthur which explains its pretty clear: "But for the Christian, every day is resurrection day; because we walk and talk with the living Christ every day; because His living is through us every day. We do not celebrate an event. We do not remember a dead Savior. We are not attracted by painfully distorted crucifixes. We worship, we love, we live every day in the presence of a risen, living Lord Jesus Christ. So every day is an Easter celebration for us. Every day is resurrection day. That doesn't mean it's wrong to focus on this in a special way. While the world's attention is brought to Christ, we wanna take every opportunity to speak of our Lord's resurrection, for that is ever and always our message;"

As a believer I am free in Jesus and there is nothing that I need to do, say, repeat, etc to gain His favor. All my sins - past, present and future have been forgiven. For some time I have felt the need to step away from "distractions" and delve into God's word and into deep prayer but have always found myself to say - tomorrow. Well tomorrow has come and I have taken the first step I am taking taking off from my "addiction" to Facebook. I don't know how long it will be for... but now I am submitting to Him. There are several things in my life I need to deal with and today I am ready.

Tomorrow by The Winans

Courageous

Its taking me a several days to process this movie - Courageous.  I think of it and my heart aches.  I've always tried to be a good wife, a good mom, a good woman.... and in seeing this movie its has just made me realize that there are so many aspects of my life that I need to work on and let Him take charge of.  If I am to be honest I am tired of trying.

Hmmmm - let me word this differently...  I love my husband, I love my children... I am blessed - but because I am blessed and because of who gave me these blessings I feel that I should honor Him more with my life and stop trying and submit to Him.

Its so easy to fall into a routine... and get comfortable, especially when the kids grow a little older and become more independent.  Its easy to fall into that trap that satan sets before us - they're okay, they don't need me, they have it figured out - when in reality this is when they need me more than ever.

If I am to be honest - and share my heart - which is the purpose of this blog.... I can say the same thing about my husband... I love him (I really do love him!!!) and I know that he loves me.  So since we love each other and because we are "Christian" I tend to feel that I am "protected" from those "worldly" traps.  Once again - I can be comfortable and not fix myself up, let myself go, I don't have to be on top of things because - hey he loves me...  what a mistake!!!

I've seen alot of movies where bad things happen to loved ones, and even know some people who have lost loved ones in a blink of an eye and all you have to do is turn on the news and see death.  Then we are left with if only I would have, should have - could have...

I guess because I went into this movie with an open heart - God convicted me of how I've been sloppy with His gifts to me and His blessings to me.  Its easy to say tomorrow I'll start, or I'll wait for him to make the first move, or there can be 101 excuses to justify why not now.

The awesome part is that God is there waiting - to start all over again, right now.

I have no idea who is reading this blog - I see that there are alot of people reading it (which is a total surprise and shock to me lol) - praise God... If you are reading this entry - I want you to know that God has a wonderful plan for your life... yes for you.  No matter what you've done, or what you haven't done, He is just waiting for you - He is already reaching His hand out to you.

Join me in this journey.  Join me is discovering who we are in Him.  Join me in starting a new chapter in our life - Home is where the story begins.... lets turn the page and start our story.  And if you happen to be saying - oh my goodness but there are sooo many chapters - I've started over so many times - don't worry you are not alone.  That is what makes you wonderful... and the awesome part is that you haven't totally given up!!!
You are loved!!!  He loves you!!!

Loved

I was reading a devotional that I receive via email through Proverbs 31 ministries and I was tremendously blessed by it and I needed to share it with you.

I pray that you are blessed by it - and that it speaks to your heart as it did to mine.

 Because I am Loved  Lysa TerKeurst

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5: 6-7 (NIV)

My friend, Kathrine Lee, once challenged me with this question: Are you doing this because you are loved or so that you’ll be loved?

Her question is a great one.

Doing something “so that we’ll be loved” is a trap many of us can get caught in. When I do something because I’m trying to get someone else to notice me, appreciate me, say something to build me up, or respect me more, my motives get skewed.

I become very “me” focused. I put unrealistic expectations on myself and the other person. And I can get stinkin’ angry when I don’t feel more noticed, appreciated, or respected.

I can get all twisted up and take my frustration out on myself and that person in an unfair way. I typically sabotage my own efforts and bend to discouragement and defeat.

But, doing something because I am loved is incredibly freeing.

I don’t view the relationship from the vantage point of what I stand to gain. Instead, I look at what I have the opportunity to give. I am “God focused” and love directed. I keep my expectations in check. And I am able to lavish the grace I know I so desperately need. I live free from regret with clarity of heart, mind, and soul.

So, how do I know if I’m doing things because I’m loved or so that I will be loved? See how easy or hard it is to apply this Scripture:

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” (1 Peter 5: 6-10 NIV)

Because I am loved, I can humble myself.
When I’m trying to be loved, I must build myself up to look better.

Because I am loved, I can cast all my anxiety on Him.

When I’m trying to be loved, I cast all my anxiety on my performance.

Because I am loved, I can resist Satan and stand firm in my faith.

When I’m trying to be loved, I listen to Satan and stand uncertain trying to rely on my feelings.

Because I am loved, I know God will use this to make me stronger – and I want that.

When I’m trying to be loved, I don’t want to be made stronger – I want life to be easier.

Indeed, I want to pursue life, relationships, and the goals I set from a healthy and free vantage point — because I am loved.

Dear Lord, I don’t want my motives to get skewed today. Help me to not be so ‘me’ focused. I want to live each day knowing that I am loved. Living because I am loved is freeing. I long to stop trying so hard. I know You love me, Lord and that You are making me stronger. Thank You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Worship...

A group of College and Career young ladies and men when to Atlanta GA for a Passion 2012 Conference.  I had the honor of being there and watching in live through the internet.  What an incredible blessing.

I was totally blessed by so many of the speakers, the singing and the conferences. I was even able to take my notes and really get into it. Loved it!!!

There was one thing that stood out for me...  it was when Francis Chan spoke.  He started by sharing about Worship. He said that he was sooo moved by the worship that he just wanted to fall to his knees but felt odd because he didn't know what others around him were going to say or think.

So many of us think singing when we hear the word Worship... but its soooo much more than that.  It should be our lifestyle to Jesus.  Yes the singing... but also the praying, the reading of the Word, etc.  It should be an act of reverence and humility...not something we "do" and check off our list of things when we wake up in the morning, before we eat, at church... but with our whole lives.

You see the Jesus we pray to, talk to, sing to... well that Jesus is the same one that performed miracles.... He is the same one that raised the dead.... He is the same one that was brutally beaten, crucified and nailed to a cross... who died and was raised again...  Yes that Jesus is the same one today... He hasn't changed... but have we?

To be honest  there are times when I do get caught up in that whole well if I do this or say that hmmmm what will they say or think of me... its funny to think that way when Jesus doesn't change or me or loves me any less.  My life should be a living sacrifice for Him... Its time to stop thinking of what others are going to say and realize that the only one I should be pleasing is Him...  I soooo love my Lord and Savior... my Father and King...

Pre what??

Sometimes I am so not prepared to be a mom...  how did my mom do it!!!  Oh my goodness...

So Elizabeth is hitting the Pre-PMS stage... ahhhhhh!!!!  Where is the manual for this stage... who is hiding it??  This poor girl just flips at a blink of an eye.  One second she is this lovely beautiful girl.... and then the slightest sound like breathing throws her over the edge...  Two days ago she just cried and cried and cried... even my husband was in shock lol...  Her eyes were all swollen and puffy.  Oh my goodness if she knew I was writing about her - she would probably faint!!!

As of right now - I've been talking to her and explaining things to her and trying to be understanding... I guess I'm going to have to go the physical route and start to hug her...

As I'm writing this - she comes out of her bed pouting over to her daddy... ay ay ay

She is getting so big and developing into a beautiful young lady... she has such a beautiful and tender heart... goodness I just wish she could stay my little girl forever and not have to deal with these new stages in life.  I'll have to pray just a little harder (for myself)...  I know that how I treat this situation will be imprinted on her heart and will make a difference in her life.  Just gotta keep reminding my princess how much I love her and am here for her.